Humour Sayings

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter!

Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot ... and anyone going faster is a maniac!

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman

Hmmm ... eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar.
Mr. Burns (The Simpsons)

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

A poor excuse is better than none at all.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental institution.

Dull people have immaculate homes!

Some days looks better upside down.

I'm in shape…. round is a shape

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

I was cut out to be rich, but I was sewed up wrong!

I derive some comfort in knowing that on an X-ray of Raquel Welch and I bear a strong likeness to one another.
Erma Bombeck

I don't even butter my bread, I consider that cooking.
Katherine Cebrian

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Mae West

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

I'd clean house but I'd hate to disappoint the dust bunnies!

Never go to a DR. whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen ... and this kitchen is delirious.

Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT!

Housework done properly can kill you.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

What's the point of being stupid if you can't prove it every once in a while?
Vanessa Hernandez

Quitting smoking is easy, I have done it thousands of times.
Mark Twain

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sounds as they fly by.
Douglas Adams.

My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

I don't know what apathy is and I don't care!

I wish there was a knob on the T.V. for intelligence.
There's one for brightness, but it doesn't work.

If you can't change your mind,
are you sure you still have it?

Hummingbirds have forgotten the words.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Cry, and they want you to shut up!
Jamie (aka Rain Dancer)

Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean . . .
against bars, poles and tables.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy . . .
other times I let him sleep.

There are three ways to get something done:
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Monta Crane

For every complicated problem there is a simple,
easy to understand, wrong answer.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.